A Guest Blog by Yoni Ejo for The Black and Adopted Series.
Yoni Ejo
Cisgender
Lesbian and hurtling towards 60!
I was born in Southampton in 1965. The product of a brief liaison between a white local woman and I believe black American seamen. She advised social services that she didn't really like black people (i am paraphrasing) and therefore she did not feel comfortable parenting this new child. She was in a marriage and initially her husband was willing to take on this new child on but he changed his mind.
My birth mother Elizabeth was the third generation of women in her family to be brought up in a children's home. it is clear from what little information I had that she struggled to recover from her difficult start in life. So it has always been clear to me as an adult that remaining with my birth mother was never an option.
I went into the system and I am pleased that I did. At around 3 months old my then foster parents were going on holiday and did not choose to take me with them. So I was placed with respite carers. These respites carers became my adoptive parents and the ones who made me who I am. Kath and Ron Dorey. They have both now died and I owe many of my qualities both good and bad to them.
My parents did consider my race when they talked about adopting me and whether I would be isolated. However, they didn't really understand the full implications of parenting a black child, especially in a white area. when racially bullied they expected me to ignore it and rise above it. On the one occasion, I couldn’t because it was in my school and not on the school bus I fought back. and got in more trouble than the bully as I was expected to act better. The good thing that happened out of this was that I came to understood how unhappy she was and that she was off-loading her own pain, to feel better. We subsequently became friends.
I didn't properly meet a black person other than me until I was eighteen. We moved around the South of England, and it was hard negotiating these relationships and dynamics time and time again. I particularly loved living by the coast. Sitting in the winter looking out to the sea seemed fitting for my teenage years!
Coming out I was 15 and I wrote a letter to an agony aunt, calling my mother a dragon. she read it and as you can imagine that did not go down well! I struggled with my parents as they didn't fully understand me but I always knew they did the best they knew how to do.
When I left home I ran to London as fast as I could go. Living in Hackney was a revelation. The diversity, colour, and sounds were amazing. I loved being part of a community of black, brown, and gay people going about their lives.
I studied social work and after coming for the section 28 March in Manchester, (section 28 was a law banning the 'promoting' of homosexuality in schools), I came to live here in the North West. I was fortunate to meet my partner Evelyn soon after that and have been with her for over 27 years. She has taught me soo much. She is a strong Ghanaian woman, who has supported me in finding myself. She is some who is dedicated to contributing to the many communities she is a member of, chairs a mental health Trust, is a governor of a University, and is an all-around amazing bad a**. She already had two amazing children when we got together, who have grown into incredible adults. Confident, articulate, and hard-working, they are both in different ways committed to support and serve their communities.
Evelyn and I adopted two girls together and as everyone does we experienced challenges as adoptive parents, but have nurtured and parented two wonderful young women who will also I know make their mark in the world. With Evelyn's three grandchildren we support the new generation too.
I would say that my adoption was not easy and there were times when I felt enormously lost and alone. But I have been lucky to be accepted in and made a family of my own, rather than mourn what I couldn't get from my birth or my adopted family.
I am totally aware that we, as with many adopters even now were not well prepared for adoption and the impact that we would have on our children. We were unaware of the demands caring for children who had already experienced loss and trauma would have on us and them.
Professionally I have worked with foster children, children in residential care, and adopted families for over 30 years. As a result, I am using all my knowledge and understanding to build a service for adopters and foster carers called Diversity Adopt.
Through this business I deliver training, coaching services to adopters and foster carers. I believe when relationships go wrong in families it is because the adult is triggered by things the child is doing and this spirals into increasing conflict. Therefore the more mindful the adult, the better all the relationships will be. I wish that I had known that before I joined any family because I know I would have been a better parent. So I am dedicated to helping people learn from my mistakes!
Connect with me on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook @diversityadopt.
