The Relationship Between Being Adopted & Having Children
Written by Grace Dee
Introduction
The narrative around adoption being a utopic outcome for the child is one of inaccuracy. The idea that when placed in an adoptive family, emotional and developmental difficulties are overturned is unrepresentative of adoptees complex feelings. Reports that concern themselves with the viewpoint of adoptees, showcase how their experiences have left them with emotional trauma ( Brodzinsky, Gunnar and Palacios, 2022). Adoption is an individualised experience, yet is a monumental part of life, affecting adoptees anxieties and psychological and emotional health throughout their life, carrying this burden into their adulthood.(Brodzinsky, Gunnar and Palacios, 2022) . This article is going to assess the impact of being adopted through the lens of these individuals becoming parents themselves, highlighting the uncertainties faced at each stage in hopes to create a sense of normality amongst adoptees for how they endure this life stage differently to their peers.
Becoming a parent alongside maternal separation trauma
Those who have been adopted are more likely to experience difficulties with attachment, feeling more fearful and less supported by people in their life than their non adopted individuals (Borders et al, 2020). This is only going to be heightened in times of change, such as conception of a child. The concept of Cellular memory has been discussed by adoptees who have become pregnant, describing having the sensation of being overcome with physical and emotional feelings that led to extreme attacks of emotions (Phillips, 2009) Adoptees often fight this sensation to an extent, not crediting themselves that this is a coherent reaction to their trauma, worrying their baby will be taken from them in the same way they remember being removed from their birth mother (Philips, 2009). Furthermore, male adoptees also struggle with parenthood due to their maternal separation traumas, with some finding that watching their significant others become mothers a traumatising experience, as the nurturing their child is receiving is something they themselves have craved from their own biological or adoptive parents (Neil, Rimmer, Sirbu, 2023).
The pressure to be the ‘perfect’ parent
As previously stated, being a child of adoption affects psychological health throughout life. Due to this, many adoptees who become parents struggle with at least one health issue (whether that be mental or physical) causing reinforcement of a fear of many adoptees; that they will repeat the actions of their biological parents with their own children. (Neil, Rimmer, Sirbu, 2023). Additionally, becoming a parent themselves through biological means may lead to further feelings of disconnect from adoptive parents, as they cannot discuss the newborn experiences such as breastfeeding and labour with them. (Philips, 2009) The worries every parent feels are accentuated to a different level for the adoptees as they have an ingrained fear of being unwanted or having genetics that leads to them having abandonment tendencies (Neil, Rimmer, Sirbu, 2023). All these ideas combine for those who have been adopted becoming parents, feel unworthy of the role. However, this is not the case, their trauma perpetuates fears of a repetition of circumstances and lack of trust in themselves and others. Here at The Dunbar Project, we are here to rationalise that these feelings stem from actions, not of their own and that they are not alone in feeling this way.
The Gift
Although so far the more pessimistic side of parenthood for adoptees have been discussed, this is not a universal nor comprehensive overview of their journey as parents. Many have found that becoming a parent brings a sense of fulfillment; with their being an improvement within their own parental figure relationships becoming stronger and also increasing their own self drive in terms of friendship, employment and goals (Edwards et al, 2023). This displays how becoming a parent when you are adopted is not something to be feared but can be a great gift (Philip, 2009), it allows for rationalization of how blood does not define yourself as a person because seeing your traits within your child's own personality highlights the power of the way you and your child are nurtured (Neil, Rimmer, Sirbu, 2023).
Conclusion
The mixture of emotions felt for individuals at this time can cause postnatal mental health issues due to not feeling worthy because of their past (Philips, 2009) . The elaborate emotions that come with parenthood as an adoptee can feel helpless, however it is not. Suggestions such as support groups, therapy and practising mindfulness can help with coming to terms with your individualized self. Additionally, doing your own research on how it is you are feeling can benefit your mind, as does personal goals and drives to allow you to have a self outside of being an adoptee and a parent.
We are here to help. At the Dunbar project, we understand your complex emotions and how isolating being adopted can be and we want to support you through our events and blog. We are here to guide you in reclaiming, reframing and most importantly healing to become the best version of yourself.
Charities that may offer support:
https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/ ~ focus on supporting parents from conception of a child to their first birthday. Offers advice and support on Antenatal and postnatal depression, Father’s mental health, postpartum psychosis and much more.
https://www.nct.org.uk/ ~ community for parents who are in need of support. courses,workshops , activities and meet ups are all a part of the charities support system.
Written By Grace Dee
References
Psychosocial Wellbeing’, Family Relations, 49(4), pp. 407-418. doi: https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2000.00407.x
Brodzinsky, D., Gunnar, M. and Palacios, J ( 2022), ‘ Adoption and trauma: Risks, recovery, and the lived experience of adoption’ Child Abuse & Neglect, 130 (2), p. 1050309. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2021.105309
Edwards et al, (2023), ‘When people adopted from severely depriving institutions become parents: The experience of young adult mothers from the ERA study and their adoptive parents’, Adoption & Fostering, 47(4), pp. 415-443. doi: https://doi.org/10.1177/03085759231212500
Neil, E., Rimmer,J., and Sirbu, I. (2023) ‘ How do adopted adults see the significance of adoption and being a parent in their life stories? A narrative analysis of 40 life story interviews with male and female adoptees’ Children and Youth services Review, 155, p. 107267. doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2023.107267
Philips, Z. (2009), ‘ Adoptees as Parents’, Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 30 (1), pp 94-101. doi: 10.1080/07351690903200200